noisywallflower (noisywallflower) wrote in the_institution,

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Whenever I hallucinate... It is almost always the same thing. Just me covered in black ants. I can't see any of my own skin - only a pulsating mass of black ants all over my body. I smell this foul smell like garbage burning and all I can do is scream. I'm so screwed up, you know that? It's times like this that I really, truly want to die. I don't want to experience this anymore.

You know what somebody told me the other day? They told me that electro convulsive therapy was created as a sort of noninvasive lobotomy/leukotomy. Before I had treatments of ECT I researched it and I thought it was pretty thorough. I read about memory loss and headaches and things like that but my research never said anything about it being a noninvasive lobotomy. I didn't read that it might permanently interfere with higher brain activity. Now I'm just plain scared. There is nothing that I value more than my mind. I'm an intelligent person and to lose it just because ECT is the only thing that takes away my depression and my hallucinations. Now I'm afraid to tell my doctor about tonight's episode. I don't want him to suggest ECT. My brain has been messed up enough already.

Any thoughts on this? I promise I won't bite your head off if you take an anti-psychiatry stance.
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