bloodred1889 (bloodred1889) wrote in the_institution,

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mania and me

im guessing everyone here knows what disorders of the mind are like but just in case ill try to explain.

ok imagine drinking 10 cans of red bull at about 10pm, say it takes you about an hour or so to drink them, or you could just take 10 potant caffeine pills, make sure you have a deadline looming or try and fix your thoughts on one thing.
now try to go to sleep and you may begin to know just how trying to sleep while manic or if you have insomnia is like.
at least this is what it is like for me.

you know when your round someones home and they have a painting hanging on the wall and its crooked.. and it just keeps stairing at you and all you can think is make it stright... this is what mania is like but with all kinds of things, like how your glass coubord is organised to how the coushins on the couch look, this could be called ocd aswell but bipolar disorder is a disorder with many diffrent sighns.

its like that urge you have to put your colorsd pencils into rainbow color order, or even count your medication and devide it up into doses.

or when your out and about and all of a sudden you get an urge to walk somewhere, anywhere, or even het on bus to no where, ive been on many busses to the last stop and then back again.
it can be the urge to see if you can steal somthing and get away with it.
it can be that film you love so much you watch it again, and again and again.
it can be the i will take 4 tablets instead of the one to see what happens, or what if this medication was mixed with this one.
sometimes ill sit in the bathroom and cut myself just because the blood is beautifull and peacefull.
it can be, i wonder what its like to stay awake for a week non stop and see if i can cause self induced psychosis.
or even lets go into uni drunk today.

or it can be totally weird things like buying things you dont need, or buying them to do weird things with them, i once bought one of those color sand bottles, poured it onot my floor and one by one took each grain and put it into color piles.

or sometimes i wont be able to sleep and its like 3am, so ill go for a walk.. outside and just keep walking with my thoughts...
and so on and so o and so on... sound fun.. no its exausting.

and on depressed days, its just nothing, no thoughts, no motivation, you cant even get up, your not hungery.
my way of trying to get ppl to understand depressive fatuige is dont eat anything for 3 days and then try and do your everyday things.

and i have this everyday, one or the other or both, plus the fact i have fibromyalgia, which means pain and fatuige.

so there you go, apart from that im quite normal.

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