lovelessasylum (lovelessasylum) wrote in the_institution,

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I Wish Someone Could Unerstand...

Hello... I am still trying to figire out exactly whats wrong with me. I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder... I'm always so lonely and tend to get depressed a lot. I recentley tried to commit suicide but failed... and even though I know people will see this it feels like no one is out there and no matter how hard I try nobody will know how to handle me so as not to upset me and depress me further or ruin what little trust I may still have in people. I beleive I am going to become a serial killer and I have to kill something but it's very hard to do and so I just hurt myself to keep me satisfied I need to feel the warmth of human blood running through my fingers and taste thier flesh and be at peace... If anyone is out there please help.
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I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. Please don't think that you're alone. I went through a phase where I had delusions/psychosis; my mind was telling me I was in danger. Maybe your mind is the same way, but with a different message. My advice would be to seek out a doctor who could help you and maybe prescribe medicines to help balance the chemicals in your brain. I know that, even though I'm still sick, the medicines and electro-convulsive therapy have helped me a great deal.
Thank you so much. I really didn't think that anyone would comment. But you did and I feel much better.<3 I'm happy to see that even if I don't know you that someone cares. I'm sure that you'll be happy to know that youmay have saved my life. Thanks for your suggestions, I am currently seeing a psycologist who is helpful and I am considering medication. Do you know anyhing about life in a mental hospital? It would be very helpful. Once again thank you!
Mental hospitals are usually a great environment for people like you or me. If you ever get that urge to hurt someone, a therapist or aide is always there to listen and help you fight that urge.

The longest I’ve spent in a mental hospital was a couple days over two months. I was mainly staying there so long because I was receiving shock therapy which, by the way, worked like magic. During those days when I received shock treatment my hallucinations went away completely. Maybe it could help you. It’s not as horrible as it sounds. They put you under anesthetic and send a tiny electric pulse to your brain which causes a tiny seizure and sort of resets the chemicals in your brain.

I think that, from what I’ve read about you, you need something more than simple talk therapy. I don’t mean that in an offensive way.
Don't worry I'm not offended. I'm well aware that I need a lot of help. You've been in a mental hospital? I am actually worried about being committed. But my parents would never let me go to one...they don't think that anything is wrong. Shock therapy doesn't hurt? Do you have a high pain tolerence? Thanks for talking with me so much and being so understanding. Do you think you could tell me more about mental hospitals? Thanks.<3
The only time I really, truly hated being hospitalized was when the main reason for my hospitalization was anorexia nervosa. I had a nasogastric tube down my nose feeding me.

All of the other times I’ve been in in-patient care have been for my hallucinations and, like I said, shock therapy really worked to stop them.

Shock therapy doesn’t really hurt at all. You’re asleep during the process. You get anesthetic and you’re just sort of knocked out. When you wake up you can have a headache or muscle ache as the seizure makes your muscles tense and cramp. They don’t do it every single day. I was treated on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It doesn’t hurt at all but I still dread it. I’ll always remember the smell of the room they performed ECT in. It creeps me out, but at the same time I’m glad I went down this path of treatment.

I do have a high tolerance for pain. I get my blood gasses checked twice a month and they have to draw blood from a bony spot on my wrist. When I go for ECT I have to have an IV stuck in my vein. I’m used to pain of that sort.

Of course, lately (as in before Christmas) I’ve been having episodes where I don’t remember what I’ve done. My doctor says that it could be seizures or psychosis. But you don’t really want to hear about me.
Borderline sounds like a well as bipolar towards the manic me...*grins*

With meds the "noise" in your head will calm down and your thoughts will slow and the urges to kill the next thing that moves will be lessened dramatically...